he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
