Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
