At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
