I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
