Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
