he thought i was a dude.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
