If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
