The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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