Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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