: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Soap is not a condiment
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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