happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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