I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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