Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
