is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
