Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
