I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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