I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
