Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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