Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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