Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
