Jerry, you need to find god
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
