Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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