um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
