sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
And then he peed in my hair
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