the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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