Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
