im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
