Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
