I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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