I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
