I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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