Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
