Can i not drive my cunt home
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
