my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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