Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
