I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
