farters have to be the big spoon...
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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