Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
