get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am mentally ready for anal.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
