forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
