Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
