i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
