I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
