its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
