Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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