it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
