My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish life had little blips of pornography
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
worst night to have a conscience
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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