Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The adults are the big ones right?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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