He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
