just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
