I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
